The Idiots Strike Back: Tehran Drift Edition

My honest review of one of the worst sequels nobody ever asked for

There’s an unstated truth in Hollywood: Nobody actually asks for the sequel. The studio just makes one anyway because a money grab is the American Way.

And nothing could be more true than with Felon Trump Production’s latest entry in the Iran Deals franchise. Nobody wanted more of this crap. The franchise has never been beloved or infamous enough to become a cult favorite. It was just...there.

And yet here we are, with 2026’s “The Idiots Strike Back: Tehran Draft Edition” lumbering into theaters. What is it? A shit-pots of money sequel – rumors say it ran a $200+ billion budget – and a script – if that’s what you want to call it – that fits neatly on a cocktail napkin. The result is loud, expensive, and hollow at every level. Or put another way, the usual fare from Felon Trump Productions.

But let’s go back in time to understand why this sequel is the type of stuff you never want to see on the bottom of your shoe when walking through a cow farm:

Back in 2015, a quieter, genteel, and classy studio – Obama Pictures, in association with the P5+1 Consortium – released “The Iran Deal: JCPOA.” It was not a hidden gem or the kind of film that created buzz, so that by the time awards season rolled around, you started pestering your significant other about seeing it “in theaters” or searching through all your subscription services for a streaming option.

Yes, the film had a handful of decent moments — a tense inspection-regime subplot and who could forget the centrifuge espionage montage? — but mostly it was a long, dry sit. And the acting wasn’t spicy. John Kerry, with his New England aloofness, was never going to inspire confidence, and Barack Obama wasn’t particularly dynamic either, which was disappointing considering he was just coming off his mega hit “Obama’s Eleven: The Osama Takedown.” I guess what you could say is that nobody walked out of “The Iran Deal: JCPOA” whooping. But nobody walked out furious either…ok, maybe that lifetime curmudgeon of a critic Bibi did, but that’s his default setting. In the end, you knew who had which weapons-grade material, who was watching it, and what happened if anyone cheated. That’s about the nicest and meanest thing you could say for the film.

But here comes the sequel. Trump’s entry into the Iran Deals franchise opens the way every unwanted sequel does: By blowing up a movie nobody had strong feelings about to then manufacture absurd stakes nobody ever wanted. Where the first film spent two years in tense, boring but competent negotiating rooms, this one opens with Trump at the White House making an idiotic speech about how he’s defending the free world by ripping up the JCPOA and providing no alternative.

And it only gets worse from there. Cue the heavy-duty military hardware! The missiles start flying and the bombs start dropping because apparently “negotiation scenes” tested poorly with the MAGA focus groups. The Strait of Hormuz — previously just a location mentioned in the original film — gets a full action-sequence montage alongside an animated chart showing wild swings in the oil market and global growth projections going haywire. The accompanying Kid Rock soundtrack makes you want to throw up in your mouth, but I digress. And then it all comes to a screeching halt and the screen goes black with some rambling JD Vance monologue (which is addressed below). That’s the film.

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Now back to where I left off.

If the plot sounds weak it’s because the acting is weak. Our lead – overplayed by Convicted Felon Donald Trump – opens the film with the franchise’s big quotable line: “No missiles, no nukes, no negotiations with these psychos.” This is meant to signal the character’s North Star. But fast forward to the end, and we see him at the signing table alongside the smiling mullahs – the very folks he said he would never deal with – capitulating on ALL of his points. At no point do the writers ever explain Trump’s turn. No scene where he changes his mind; no monologue of realization or even contemplation. Instead, he simply ends up in the opposite place from where he started and the movie expects the audience to never notice. Perhaps for good reason. By now, the writers at Trump Productions are well aware of Trump’s limitations, particularly his inability to remember lines that contain words like Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV.

But the remainder of the D-List cast is worse if that can be believed. First, Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner. Once again, they play “Senior Nuclear Diplomats.” We, of course, know these guys didn’t get top billing because they trained for the role, auditioned for the role, or have any prior credits – not even community theatre! – in the genre. Rather, they got the job because one is the boss’s longtime golf buddy and the other is the idiot son-in-law. In any other franchise, the studio owner’s son-in-law showing up as the lead negotiator would be a punchline. But here it’s the actual plot. Regardless, watching them work a nuclear negotiation is like watching a modern rendition of the Keystone Cops with the stakes being oh so much higher. And if you think I’m asking Trump Productions to reboot that franchise, no, I’m not. Indeed, my sources tell me that real-life foreign ministries are reportedly using the Witty/Kush scenes in training sessions for junior diplomats to teach them what NOT to do in negotiations.

Routine names from Trump Productions’ other franchises, namely Marco Rubio, either play little to no role in the film due to the scriptwriters’ decision on how to end it, or were simply not capable enough – I am looking at you, Pete Kegsbreath – to ever convince audiences they ever belonged. And although not in the credits, the so-called “Memorandum of Understanding” plays a starring role in the film. It’s the barely one-and-a-half-page document that promises the bad guys sanctions relief and a $300 billion slush, I mean, reconstruction fund, all in exchange for a reopened Strait of Hormuz, which is already closed again. What the document does not promise is almost everything that made the original film coherent: there are no enrichment limits, no inspection regime, you know, real details. Rather, all we get is a pinky promise to keep talking for sixty days. Did I mention that children negotiate better deals in the lunchroom than our lead protagonist does in this film? They do; I’ve seen it based on the wrappers in my daughter’s lunch box when she comes home from school.

Which then brings us to JD Vance, cast in the role of “Hype Man.” His entire role is – surprise!?!? - to tell the audience at the end with unflinching confidence that everything you just saw with your own eyes happened differently than it did. It’s a remarkable performance, really, one that Vance has perfected over the past few years in his newfound love for all things Trump. At this point, I think it’s fair to say that Vance is surpassing Ted Cruz in the “totally spineless human being that will say anything if it advances his standing in life” category. Congrats, JD, on your accomplishment of abject humiliation!

Final Verdict:

I give this movie the MIDDLE FINGER. Put politely, what’s missing is everything that made the original film, with all of its flaws, an actual finished product. The original had a verification mechanism; this one has a vibe. The original had specificity, i.e., bury Iran’s enriched stockpile under tons of concrete, ship it overseas, monitor it continuously; this one has a promise to “discuss” enrichment at some unspecified future point, alongside “other mutually agreed matters.” If that last sentence gives you pause, it’s because it should. It screams, brace yourself, YET ANOTHER SHITTY SEQUEL!

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The Idiots Strike Back: Tehran Drift Edition

Director: Convicted Felon Donald Trump

Written By: A collective group of fools

Stars: Convicted Felon Donald Trump, Steve “Please Pay in Unmarked Bills” Witkoff, Jared “The Intern” Kushner, JD “Spineless” Vance, and the Ghost of Marco Rubio

Rating: R for insanely graphic scenes of stupidity

Run Time: Too damn long

Genre: Tragedy; dark comedy